Every year I reflect on the one I’ve left behind and make decisions about what I want for the next.
The past year of my life has been quite extraordinary when I look back. It started in Glasgow in a flat I’d just moved into with my closest friend of the time. Things were good. I had some of the craziest and hilarious nights of my life last year. Through all the good though, my anxiety and depression levels were at an all time high and I knew in my heart that I needed to head home to my parents. To take the time to sort my head out before things got worse. I never wanted to leave Glasgow, but I had to if ever I wanted to return to it on a more permanent basis.
I called someone my “boyfriend” for the first time in my life. That was a huge moment for me. We had such an amazing time together until we didn’t. As I’ve always been phobic of relationships and I was moving back to Aus anyway, I found ways to self-sabotage and we both ended up hurting each other quite a bit. We’re good now though, which makes me very happy because he’s a very important person in my life and I felt lost without his friendship.
My last weekend in Glasgow was both the highest high and one of the lowest lows of my year. I made some truly incredible friends in my time there and it was so hard to leave them.
I moved back to Australia and spent a couple of weeks back in Melbourne before heading to Cairns. That was such an overwhelming time. My friends in Melbourne are like family to me and seeing them all embrace me like I’d never left was amazing. It felt so weird to see them all carrying on with their lives like nothing much had changed. I am blessed.
When I got home to Cairns it really hit me just how depressed I was. I was sat there with my family in a totally safe and comfortable environment but I still felt entirely alone and scared. I made the biggest mistake of the year at that time, I took a job offer and ran off to Perth.
Perth was really exciting at first and it felt like I might have been okay. Then everything turned sour and I slipped into a really dark place. I made some really special friends when I was there and they did their best to look after me. Even still, I had been thinking about and moving toward the incredibly stupid decision to take my own life more and more often before I ended up in hospital. When that moment hit me, it well and truly hit me. It was bad.
So that happened and I was lucky enough to snap out of it and get myself back home to my family and now I’m in a place where I am working really hard to get better. I’m doing better than ever, though have a lot of work to do.
I learned a lot this past year. I gained many friends and experiences. The things I look forward to the next are pretty simple, getting better, not running away when I feel scared but travelling when it excites me and feels right. To pay my debts and work toward a career I enjoy and will actually help others. To be inspired and to keep climbing this hill until I reach the top.
I am beyond lucky, I have so many people in my life that have loved, supported and helped me through this far. I look forward to spending many more years with them. That’s what I really loved about the year gone by, I can sit here and say without doubt that I actually look forward to the future.
That’s a truly amazing gift.